Now what?

We've been asked that question A LOT over the past several days.  At times, its been said at rather insensitive moments, but it's a valid question.  What are we going to do?

We were very lucky to have 3 eggs fertilize after the retrieval process and at the time were asked if we'd like to have all 3 transfered.  We immediately said no thanks, the odds of all 3 surviving were low and I, in all my obsessive compulsive glory, honestly can't function very well with uneven numbers.  We said we'd like to use 2 and cryopreserve the third.  As we speak, embryo #3 is currently frozen at the IVF lab at our clinic.  

We go back to the clinic for a consultation on March 24th.  Hopefully they'll tell us what went wrong and how we can fix it and how soon we can go through a Frozen Embryo Transfer (FET).  FETs are MUCH cheaper than IVF, thank goodness.  Especially since my insurance covers 0 of the costs we incur during the cycle (roughly 14k thus far).  HOWEVER, we were notified by our CPA that IVF is tax deductible, so those of you in the same boat who are paying completely out of pocket, take heart and know that you can use those costs on that year's tax return.  Who knows how much we'll end up paying to the clinic.  I'm stubborn enough not to stop until I get what I want.

For the time being, I'm taking care of me.  I'm doing my best to do every single thing the clinic said I shouldn't do after the transfer.  I've done most of them, all but drink alcohol but that's mostly because the coming down off the hormones is making me nauseated and nausea plus drinking usually means bad things for me.  I do foresee a glass of wine (or 2) in my very near future.  David has been super forgiving and understanding and aids and abets me in most of this.  He is a super awesome husband.  He pretty much rocks.

As for now, we're just waiting.  The nausea is subsiding, my body is slowing coming back to normal (expect your period 5-10 days after a failed cycle) and our doggies are excited to once again be allowed to sit on my lap.  It's still hard to deal with the failure at times and we still get angry about everything (David at the clinic for not bothering to call us with the results or what to expect with the failed results, me at my uterus). But we're coping, and we'll get through this.

A not so great surprise.

I started this blog months ago and never used it.  I have no idea why.

Yesterday we were dealt a devastating blow - my pregnancy test from our first IVF cycle came back negative.  This was completely unexpected as we were constantly told that because of my age and all our blood work that things were great.  I remember laying in recovery after the embryo transfer and being told that they just implanted 2 really high quality embryos and there was an 80% chance of one implanting and 20% of both.  I couldn't have been more excited.  I finally thought this was it.  Sadly, this wasn't God's plan for us yet.

It's really hard to keep your faith during this.  You want to scream out to God and ask why this has to happen to you.  This isn't easy but you have to continue to have hope despite the massive drop on the emotional roller coaster you're on.  

I didn't sleep much last night and woke up at 2 a.m. to have God say "Jeremiah 29:11" to me.  I vaguely knew this verse - it was on a jewelry box I had, but I never paid much attention to it.  It says,""I say this because I know what I am planning for you," says the Lord.  "I have good plans for you, not plans to hurt you.  I will give you hope and a good future.""  This verse has stopped me from crying multiple times today.  It is exactly what we need to hear right now.  God has awesome plans for us.  He didn't allow this IVF cycle to fail to hurt us and He will give us hope for tomorrow.  God knows our hearts.  He knows that David and I want children.  He wants us to lean and depend on Him.  There's a bigger picture, but we can't see it just yet.

For example, our Sunday school class is doing a study on James using the Serendipity bible.  One of the discussions was that God doesn't always answer our prayers because our motives for what we ask for aren't what they should be.  It's an interesting sentiment, but I don't exactly see it that way.  I think God may not instantaneously answer prayers because He has something else bigger and better planned.  When our friend Evan passed away, we didn't understand how God could take away someone so young.  Looking back, Evan's death brought many of us closer to Him and brought new people into our lives that have blessed us in ways we never thought possible.  It was all part of God's grand plan and bigger picture.

While it is okay for the present to cry and get out the huge wave of emotions we feel now, knowing that if we lean on God, we'll get through this. There's always tomorrow and with tomorrow comes hope and the good future He's promised.