D-Day

We go in this morning for my pregnancy test. I'm so ridiculously nervous that I could puke. It's hard to believe the 2WW is already over.

Please be positive. Please be positive. Please be positive.

Current state of affairs

The past week has been interesting. I dealt with cramps, exhaustion and a bout of severe 6 day nausea. Last night, David uttered the 2 words I never want to hear after an IM progesterone shot - "you're bleeding". Yippee. This is after he managed to hit a nerve the other day and caused some of my toes on my left foot to go slightly numb. This is wearing me out.

I'm currently convinced that I'm not pregnant. My pregnancy test at the clinic is on Friday, and I don't even want to go. I feel that the only thing keeping me from not bleeding all over everything is my estrogen pills and patches and those awful progesterone shots. I've started making plans for the next year to keep myself occupied until we can afford to try this again. We've spent close to 20k on this in 2009 alone, there's no more IVF money to do another round. I am going to be a hot mess and I'm already driving David nuts.

I have also discovered that knowlege of our fertility issues has made it to more people than I'd like. Seriously people, if someone's infertile, it's not your story to tell. It's a private issue and now I'm beginning to think that our entire 3000 member church congregation knows. NOT GOOD. Privacy? What privacy?

I need a vacation....

Pregnant until you tell me otherwise

I'm now pregnant until someone tells me otherwise.  The transfer on Friday went off without a hitch.  We arrived at the hospital at 7 and were out of there in no time.  It was weird, the nurse allowed me to pee before I took my ibuprofen and Valium.  They didn't allow that last time.

Bedrest was a drag.  I'm not good at sitting still, let alone laying in only 3 positions.  Eating and drinking were quite the experience.  Thank goodness for straws and big towels that catch random drippings and crumbs of whatever.  It was a long 3 days, made even longer by the fact that our A/C decided to stop working on Sunday.  We live on the Texas Gulf Coast and it's June - you're in big trouble if it goes out.  You can't bring enough oscillating fans into the bedroom of a woman on bedrest.

Today was the first day back at work.  Trying to stay low-key and stress-free for the most part, but that's yet to be seen.  My coworkers are crazy and crazy is contagious.  I may have to put police tape up around my door to prevent it from coming into my work area.

Our pregnancy test is a week from Friday.  This 2WW (two week wait) is going to kick my butt.  I want to know now even though I fear failure again.  I don't think you ever lose that fear after you've had a failed cycle.  I keep hoping David will be positive enough for both of us.  I just need to pick up a hobby to keep my mind occupied until then.

Transfer Eve...

We go in tomorrow morning at 7 a.m. for our transfer.  I'm trying to relax but the thought of my imminent progesterone shot is ruining it for me.  I've been bruising pretty badly on these.  It's odd because I never once bruised for our first cycle.  All the random side effects are coming out of the woodwork this time around - I'm bloated, exhausted, moody and now apparently bruised.  No amount of Hello Kitty band aids can fix this.

I shouldn't complain.  David's been awesome through all this again.  Last week he went and bought me sour gummy worms to eat after my blood work and today he went and bought me bath fizzies from Lush and Bride Wars so I could relax tonight.  He's such an awesome husband.  He'll do a spectacular job once again during my bed rest.

It's time to prep my injection, change my estrogen patch and take a Medrol.  Something good is going to happen tomorrow.  I can feel it.

Hooray!

I really needed something good to happen.  Over the weekend I had managed to make myself bleed and bruise from a Lupron injection, almost completely ruin a $400 purse  and get attacked by fire ants.  I also had a small panic session thinking that David would be unable to actually be at our embryo transfer and watched as the girl dug for my vein in my left arm at my US/BW today.  Something good needed to happen.

I had resigned myself to try again tomorrow when the nurse called with my results.  My estrogen levels are really high and my uterine lining is just short of what it needs to be in order for them to do the transfer.  She scheduled me for an appt. for Friday and said to go ahead and pick a date for the hospital!  HOORAY!  FINALLY SOME GOOD NEWS!!!!!  And a big fat sigh of relief for not having to worry about David's job and our transfer coinciding.

I'm so excited.  I think this deserves ice cream.  :)

Congratulations! I'm normal.

Our trip to the clinic for my baselines went well today.  Everything looks good and is as it should be.  We were also given the go-ahead to cut back on the Lupron to 10 units and to start taking my estrogen pills and applying my estrogen patches.  Also had to pay the fees for the clinic.  We are now 2k poorer, with another 1k going to the hospital later on.  But it's okay, we'd planned for this.  Thank goodness for good tax returns.

From the calendar they gave us today, our transfer is tentatively scheduled for May 30th.  It can't get here fast enough if you ask me.  If they asked me to do it today, I would respond with a big, fat YES.  I think David would too.

Our clinic has like 6 offices around Houston.  I'm based out of the one nearest to my house for big appointments (consultations, baselines, training) but I go to the one down the street from my office to do all my ultrasounds and bloodwork.  I've always done this.  I called today to schedule my appt. for Monday and the girl who answered the phone acted like I was crazy.

"I'd like to schedule an appt. for Monday morning for an ultrasound and bloodwork please."

"Ok, what office are you based out of?"

"Willowbrook"

"Why are you calling here?"

"Because this office is closer to where I work and it's easier this way."

"I don't understand.  What do you need again?"

Really?  Honestly, I've talked to the clinic director about this.  He said it's okay.  It's getting to be ridiculous.  This is the branch that didn't bother to call us about our negative results last time.  David thinks I'm crazy for going back to that branch, but it takes 45 minutes out of my day as opposed to like 2.  I'm saving time but losing my sanity at the same time.  It's either this or start losing valuable sick time.

Even after all that, I'm still glad that everything came back okay today.  I've got a good feeling about this FET.  Gotta keep the good energy going.

Let's get this show on the road

So a long long time ago, my FET was initially planned for this Friday.  However, my body decided it didn't really want to participate and I couldn't get my menstrual cycle to regulate after the failed IVF cycle.  I ended up being like 2 weeks late and had to push everything back.  Thank you for that, Mother Nature.  Have I told you lately how great I think you are?

Anyway, I dealt with it and became okay with the pushed back schedule.  Well...  Not really okay with it, I'm obviously in a hurry because I'm tired of not getting pregnant.  Today my body decided it wanted to fast forward things and my period started several days early.  Ugh.  I'm early.  I'm late.  I'm all sorts of messed up right now.  I can't keep up with our calendar for this anymore.  It changes too often.

The good news is that this will likely push up our transfer.  Yea for that.  

This means that tomorrow morning is my baseline ultrasound and bloodwork.  Nothing says good morning like a vaginal ultrasound and some inevitably rolling veins.  But it also means we're thisclose to the transfer and hopefully a baby!  

So bring it on, I'm ready.

Beth versus the nausea

Because giant doses of Lupron are awesome, I spent most of my day today deep breathing through my nose trying not to barf all over my desk.  There were zero side effects last time, but I guess since my dosage this time around is literally double what it was for the IVF cycle, I suppose side effects are in order.  As the day has  gone on, it's worn off a little but GOOD GRIEF.  My office is nowhere near the bathroom, I can't have barf-age.  I'd take puffy swollen Stay-Puffed Marshmallow Man Beth over this any day.  

Between that and my stress level at work, today I'd like to crawl under a rock.  Thank goodness for coming home to 2 fluffy puppies, a great husband and jammies.  

Tomorrow's a new day.  Here's to hoping for less stress and less nausea...

And so the cycle begins again...

I hate needles.  After about 15 minutes of nervous dancing and pacing around the kitchen, syringe in hand, I gave myself my first Lupron shot of our FET.  The shots don't even hurt - I'm so paranoid of watching that needle go into my sub-Q area that I completely psych myself out every time.  I can't even let David and the dogs watch.  All 3 have to be in a different room for fear that they'll distract me and I'll end up stabbing my hand instead.  I should go have dessert.  Dessert would be a good distraction.

Tomorrow night begins the pre-cooking for meals I can freeze so we can eat during my bedrest.  Hooray for King Ranch Chicken and mostaccioli.

Now what?

We've been asked that question A LOT over the past several days.  At times, its been said at rather insensitive moments, but it's a valid question.  What are we going to do?

We were very lucky to have 3 eggs fertilize after the retrieval process and at the time were asked if we'd like to have all 3 transfered.  We immediately said no thanks, the odds of all 3 surviving were low and I, in all my obsessive compulsive glory, honestly can't function very well with uneven numbers.  We said we'd like to use 2 and cryopreserve the third.  As we speak, embryo #3 is currently frozen at the IVF lab at our clinic.  

We go back to the clinic for a consultation on March 24th.  Hopefully they'll tell us what went wrong and how we can fix it and how soon we can go through a Frozen Embryo Transfer (FET).  FETs are MUCH cheaper than IVF, thank goodness.  Especially since my insurance covers 0 of the costs we incur during the cycle (roughly 14k thus far).  HOWEVER, we were notified by our CPA that IVF is tax deductible, so those of you in the same boat who are paying completely out of pocket, take heart and know that you can use those costs on that year's tax return.  Who knows how much we'll end up paying to the clinic.  I'm stubborn enough not to stop until I get what I want.

For the time being, I'm taking care of me.  I'm doing my best to do every single thing the clinic said I shouldn't do after the transfer.  I've done most of them, all but drink alcohol but that's mostly because the coming down off the hormones is making me nauseated and nausea plus drinking usually means bad things for me.  I do foresee a glass of wine (or 2) in my very near future.  David has been super forgiving and understanding and aids and abets me in most of this.  He is a super awesome husband.  He pretty much rocks.

As for now, we're just waiting.  The nausea is subsiding, my body is slowing coming back to normal (expect your period 5-10 days after a failed cycle) and our doggies are excited to once again be allowed to sit on my lap.  It's still hard to deal with the failure at times and we still get angry about everything (David at the clinic for not bothering to call us with the results or what to expect with the failed results, me at my uterus). But we're coping, and we'll get through this.

A not so great surprise.

I started this blog months ago and never used it.  I have no idea why.

Yesterday we were dealt a devastating blow - my pregnancy test from our first IVF cycle came back negative.  This was completely unexpected as we were constantly told that because of my age and all our blood work that things were great.  I remember laying in recovery after the embryo transfer and being told that they just implanted 2 really high quality embryos and there was an 80% chance of one implanting and 20% of both.  I couldn't have been more excited.  I finally thought this was it.  Sadly, this wasn't God's plan for us yet.

It's really hard to keep your faith during this.  You want to scream out to God and ask why this has to happen to you.  This isn't easy but you have to continue to have hope despite the massive drop on the emotional roller coaster you're on.  

I didn't sleep much last night and woke up at 2 a.m. to have God say "Jeremiah 29:11" to me.  I vaguely knew this verse - it was on a jewelry box I had, but I never paid much attention to it.  It says,""I say this because I know what I am planning for you," says the Lord.  "I have good plans for you, not plans to hurt you.  I will give you hope and a good future.""  This verse has stopped me from crying multiple times today.  It is exactly what we need to hear right now.  God has awesome plans for us.  He didn't allow this IVF cycle to fail to hurt us and He will give us hope for tomorrow.  God knows our hearts.  He knows that David and I want children.  He wants us to lean and depend on Him.  There's a bigger picture, but we can't see it just yet.

For example, our Sunday school class is doing a study on James using the Serendipity bible.  One of the discussions was that God doesn't always answer our prayers because our motives for what we ask for aren't what they should be.  It's an interesting sentiment, but I don't exactly see it that way.  I think God may not instantaneously answer prayers because He has something else bigger and better planned.  When our friend Evan passed away, we didn't understand how God could take away someone so young.  Looking back, Evan's death brought many of us closer to Him and brought new people into our lives that have blessed us in ways we never thought possible.  It was all part of God's grand plan and bigger picture.

While it is okay for the present to cry and get out the huge wave of emotions we feel now, knowing that if we lean on God, we'll get through this. There's always tomorrow and with tomorrow comes hope and the good future He's promised.